I wish I could teleport
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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