fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
