So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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