that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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