i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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