Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
