my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
