Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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