the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
