my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
