apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
