You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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