So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
