im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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