I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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