i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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