So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
