My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
