I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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