Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
