wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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