tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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