Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
