Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
MIDGETS
????
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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