Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
