Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Randomize
