video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
