It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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