the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So. Much. Porn.
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