one might say we're banned from that church
I need to stop coming to work sober
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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