He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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