i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
