We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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