How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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