Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize