Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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