Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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