you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
