From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
