Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
