did you get engaged???
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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