Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
