Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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