And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
