as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
