Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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