Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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