EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
