Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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