Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
