Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
