I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
