if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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