Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
