I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
