Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
