I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
