I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just cropdusted the office
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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