I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
