btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
