i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
