you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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