@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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