you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
