Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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