You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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