I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When are your genitals available?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize