how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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