he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
